Brian Edenfield
Available for freelance
Résumé
Skills
Photoshop, 3DS Max 7, Maya 7, Flash, Torque Game Engine
Sketching, Illustration, Concept Design, Animation, 3D Modeling and Sculpture
Experience
Beeline Studios
Evil Twin/Doppelganger
Electronic Arts
A.S.K. Learning
Tektonic Studios
SCEA, Inc.
Spunky Productions
Pixel Technologies
Juggernaut Studios
Jellyman Productions
Headpedal
Find me

Saturday, January 22, 2005

How do I feel.......continued.

I was determined not to let my feelings stay bottled up. I had done that too many times in the past. So, I wrote her a long letter expressing how I felt. I was so fucking afraid of giving it to her that I mailed it to her and jumped on a plane to New Zealand. I actually mailed the letter while I was at the airport just so there was no chance she got it before I left. I was a Marine, dammit! I served time in a war zone, yet I don't have the courage to face a woman head on with my feelings. What does that say about me? Getting shot at is less scary than getting shot down. :P

The whole trip I thought about nothing but her. I didn't spend much time in New Zealand. When I got back home, I couldn't sleep that night. The next day I knew I would see her and I didn't know what the heck was going to happen. I walked into the studio shaking like a leaf. Eventually everybody started showing up around ten. I'd already been there for three hours trying not to implode. She never showed up. I asked around and found out that she went back to Israel for a time. What a relief that was. But when she came back, things got really tense. I took her aside and asked her what she was thinking. She told me she had to take some time and think it through. So I backed off.

About a week later, she came to me and told me that she didn't feel the same way. Considering the way I felt about her, I took it well. The whole time she was gone I convinced myself she wouldn't want me anyway. So hearing it directly didn't really produce any emotion at all. I kind of shut down emotionally after that. I became very aloof towards her. I know it was just a defense mechanism.

She left the company and the friendship effectively ended. I tried my best not to contact her. A childish response to how I felt. About a year later, we started communicating again. We spent some time together and rekindled the friendship. By this time I was (mostly) over her, but the feelings for her were welling up again. I was still very attracted to her physically, but I kept the emotions suppressed. I was going through some problems at the time and didn't need the added pressure. It didn't stop me from flirting with her at every opportunity. I didn't give a toss how it made her feel, this was about my own satisfaction.

A month had passed without a word between us. I played the aloof card again; refused to email her. But through the grapevine I heard that she got back together with "the boyfriend". That put the final nail in the coffin. I just stopped responding to any of her emails. I didn't stop asking about her through our mutual friends, though. There would always be thoughts of her and I needed to know how she was.

A few weeks ago, I asked a friend if he'd heard from her. He said yes and that she was pregnant. And on Tuesday, January 18th I found out she got married. Like I said, this is great news. In the pics she looks happy and content. That's all I want. I have yet to respond to the email. I know I will. It's just a question of when. But if I don't.........

Best of luck Z. I hope you have a long, happy, and fruitful life.

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Sketch: Around 95 minutes I believe. Self portrait 2. Everytime I post something self-centered and personal, I will add a Self portrait. That way any readers of this blog can know to skip the torture. It's for your own good. :)

Actually, this is something with which I would like to test my determination. 100 self portraits in as many days. Hmm. I will have to think that over.

1 Comments:

Blogger Julia said...

i'm feeling a bit of deja vu...have you posted this before? ah...there are many people on this planet. sooner or later, an awesome one comes around and you get to call that person you're own. that'll be a pretty fun day. :)

10:52 AM  

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